White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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