My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
