Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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