Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
