And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
