I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
