dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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