Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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