I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
