I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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