We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
