you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
