he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
