he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So many bounce houses so little time
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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