Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
