im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
