i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
