Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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