so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
