Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
