Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
