Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
