If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
