Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
