Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
