she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
