somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
