Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
