My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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