I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
