You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You know, be my cock's hype man.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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