she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
