a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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