I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
