when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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