she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I looked at my own cervix.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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