If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
