Will you blow on my dice?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
