I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
