$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
