I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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