Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
