So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
