I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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