a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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