I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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