my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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