I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
