Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
