Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
