I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
